thoughts...

I wish you would tell me when you do these things.
You're not jealous, are you?
I don't know what you're talking about.
So dishonest about your feelings. What happened to my I'm-always-honest-with-you-and-only-you sibling?
Shut up!
I only helped her because you asked me too.
I know.
What am I going to do with you?
... It's not fair to you.
I'm fine. The question is are you.
... We shouldn't do this here.
But it's okay at home?
... Yes. Do you hate me? For having you do this with me.
Don't ask stupid things. You know I love you.
I know. Thank you.

so incredibly tired and I have a headache. So sick of reading about health insurance I'd rather be puking my brains out. Been working long days, long weeks, with lots of sun and heat and humidity. So tired of my horse being a brat and not getting along with others. Ready to feed him over to... not really sure what eats horses or what I want to eat him. I know it's just one of his phases but I just want to tell him "suck it up and grow up". Or maybe that's what I want to tell myself. Probably both. Just sick of being in the air. I just want to land, people. Is that too much to ask? Yes. I know. Got to do the work. And brain shuts down here...

a piece...

If you could see her one last time, what would you say?
I would tell her I love her. And I'll miss her. That we'd all miss her and that she shouldn't leave.
You wouldn't be mad at her? [Shakes her head]
Why should I be?
Aren't you mad at her?
No. I wish she could have talked with me about it, about what was going on in her life and in her mind. It's selfish, and unreasonable, of me to believe I could have been the person that could have changed her mind. It's insane of me to think that any one else could have or couldn't have.
What do you mean?
I mean, maybe there is someone who, if they had talked with her, could have gotten her through it. Then again, maybe there wasn't a someone who could have. Or that she wanted to. She was stubborn in her own way. Maybe she believed she was right.
Do you think she was?
It's not my place to judge her. Or go against her decision.
That's not the question though. Was she right?
No. It's selfish of me to say...
But it's how you truly feel, right?
Right.
What do you miss most about her?
Her kindness. And her smile. She had the biggest heart and a gentle soul.
I wish I could have met her.
The two of you would have gotten along well.

so...

I thought that instead of making a wish or goal to write on this more often, I'd just try for once every month. At least.

I feel really, really stupid being this excited about this, but I've been playing Suikoden V again recently. It's been a year and a half to two years ago since I've played it and I feel really silly for getting addicted to it again. I know that I should be doing something else with my time and there's more... rewarding (I think that's the right word) things I should be doing. But it makes me really happy to be playing it again and be fighting the addiction of it. I really need to get out more...

I've been feeling blah and lazy recently and I need to kick myself out of it. Part of me would rather be the overly stressed freak running down the street toothbrush in mouth bagel in one hand cream cheese in the other one shoe missing shirt half buttoned. Okay, maybe not, but sometimes I feel like if I showed the panic and stress a little more, than maybe people would understand that no my life is not perfect and I do not have all my sheep in a line.

I feel like there's all these questions that I should know the answer to and I don't. Like is it okay to wear the same clothes day after day if you only wear them after you come home from work and take a shower? Or should one get an education if all they do is fail at it? Is it cheaper in the long run to buy a newer used car with less miles that may or may not break down on you than to repair the older used car with more miles that has been reliable in the past? If money were to be spent on a certain career, would I be able to pay it back? Would shoveling piles of horse poo be more rewarding than shoveling papers or phone calls different places?

I want the answers but the more I pound on my head, the less they come. And that, my friend, sucks.

a little bit of story writing...

I am sorry for deceiving you. It was never my intention. I do not expect you to understand or to forgive me. I only ask that you not place all your anger on Mana. She had no idea that I had taken Ryuu's place and he mine until just recently. Since she became aware, Mana has been trying to get us to switch back. Since it was my idea to switch places in the first place, Ryuu felt it best to wait until I wanted to switch back. I will only say one more thing on the matter: starting tomorrow, we will make it impossible for us to be confused as the other. Excuse me.
Aika...
It's okay. Take care of it and I'll see you at home. See you tomorrow, Mana.
Bye. Why...
Aika is always protecting me, those we care about, and the people that those people care about. For now, it's best if we back up her story. I have something important I need to do before I go home. I'll see you tomorrow.
... Okay.

my nephew turned to me the other evening and stretched his arms out as wide as they would reach. "i love you this much," he said. and my heart melted just a little...

a breather...

I started the write about the drama of the horses at the stable I work at and then realized that it was making me really tired and I just wanted to post and get back to writing. I feel like all I've been doing is working and coming home to either read manga, watch anime, or write anime. It's a very contenting feeling (I don't really think contenting is a word) and a very exhausting feeling. Being sickish this last week has made the exhausting feeling even stronger.

Mason Ryuu
Mason Aimi
Izumi Keisuke
Izumi Mana (originally this was a green color, but because of my background I changed it)
Daishi or Deushi or Tatsuko or Tsutomu or Tsukawaki Kaede

These are the leads in the anime/manga that I'm working on. Advice for the last name of Kaede is welcome. I had a different last name for Kaede, but after after consulting a few people, I decided it would be better to change it. I haven't picked a final choice yet. The names are arranged in typical Japanese setting (last name first). The first two main characters have the last name of their American parent throughout most to all of the storyline. A couple of details below. Ashling, I've developed the characters more, however the story line from earlier I've decided against using.

Aimi and Ryuu are twins and have just turned 17. They were raised in America and Brazil, so they speak English, Japanese, and Portugese fluently. They have just returned to Japan and entered school. Kaede is Keisuke and Mana's cousin: both Kaede and Keisuke are 18 and Mana is 15. Kaede is student president at the school the three attend (Aimi and Ryuu enter this school). Keisuke is extremely protective of his younger sister and his cousin, and it is relatively common knowledge that he has feelings for his cousin and that Kaede is unaware of this. Mana is also the fiance of Ryuu.

Ashling, feel free to email me if you have questions or want more details about Aimi, Ryuu, Mana, Keisuke, Kaede, and/or the story. I don't want to post too much. :)