because I love the sentence...

Mr. John Philip Johnson shut his front door behind him and came down his front steps into the bright morning with a feeling that all was well with the world on this best of all days, and wasn't the sun warm and good, and didn't his shoes feel comfortable after the resoling, and he knew that he had undoubtedly chosen the precise very tie which belonged with the day and the sun and his comfortable feet, and, after all, wasn't the world just a wonderful place?

One Ordinary Day, With Peanuts
by Shirley Jackson

sorry...

So, I've been upset recently and, as always, my mood has found its way into my writing. There's not too much I'm able to do to improve the situation, but I'm going to try and let the darkness of it go and focus on the smaller things. Like how special my horse is to me and how the wind blowing through my hair is a really cool feeling. So maybe I don't find the answer to peace and happiness for me right now; it'll come though. At some point. Just got to keep going through. And, remember to breathe... :)

the secret is...

"So," I say as I plop myself down in the chair, trying my best to glare through half awake eyes, "Why so early?" If you knew Nina, you'd know that nothing drags her out of bed on the weekend until 3 and that's if you're lucky. If you're not, which is usually the case, she'll be awake at 5 and able to communicate at 5:30. So, here we sit at 10 in the morning at the coffee shop we usually meet at about 7. In the evening.

Nina checks to see if anyone is listening before leaning closer to me. She had already ordered her mocha and bagel, both half gone. She had also been waiting for me for ten minutes- the time it takes me to brush my teeth, find shoes, and walk the three blocks to the coffee store- and had ordered my espresso before I had arrived.

"I slept with Craig." I choked on my drink, crashing to the floor causing other customers to look at us and Nina to look really embarrassed. Liquid starts to come out my nose and, in my haste to cover my nose, I knock my drink off the table. Nina looks grateful for an excuse to get away from me and the stares. She comes back a few moments later with a handful of napkins, her face composed now.

"You're such a mess, Kay," she tells me as she stoops to start mopping up the floor.

"I'm a mess?! You just told me you slept with someone you met less than a week ago at some random party we went to a month and a half after your boyfriend for seven years breaks up with because he's 'not sure you're the right one.' What did you honestly expect me to do?"

"Honestly," Nina says as she stands up from the floor and heads for the trash can to throw the napkins away, "I don't know." She turns and leaves the store as I stand there with the empty cup still in my hand.

Tick, Tick... BOOM!

I don't know how to make the tears stop
How to eat food like a normal human
How to not to feel like my heart's breaking
I don't know how to breathe
To stop the darkness
Threatening to eat the ground I walk on

I wish I could remember what I said...
Wish I had the answers
To the questions that haunt my body
And soul
I wish I could forget how you smile
The depth of your eyes
The softness of your voice
Your kindness


Some times I think the pain is to get back at me for the pain I caused others. And I have to laugh for cursing myself. Then, I look up and I feel stronger. And, it makes me cry again...